The Handman’s Tale

 

I recently got the opportunity to watch the Handmaids Tale, a story by Margaret Atwood, made technicolor by Hulu. And it’s bullshit. It’s not that I don’t think this is what men really want us to be –mindless bang maids. I think it’s inaccurate because I don’t think women would allow it.

We make the money and we spend the money. Our unemployment numbers are lower and our disposable incomes are higher. We’re more educated and live longer. In short, we’re the better financial investment.We stopped being bang maids about fifty years ago, when all you idiot poor boys went to fight a rich man’s war and we realized we could run the country just fine without you.

See, we don’t have this innate desire to bow down to the alpha male like you idiot boys do. We listen to the alpha, realize he’s retarded, roll our eyes, and keep doing our own thing. We’ve been running the world under your noses and you never even saw it. Because it doesn’t matter to us if you’re here or not.

What do we have to lose?

Your financial support? Far as I can tell, women have been supporting themselves for a long time now. Also, your minimum wage job is barely enough to support yourself, but nice try. Save that “I make six figures” bullshit for the dating sites. Everyone knows you’re lying.

Your sexual prowess? Yeah, here’s the deal. You’re literally ALL bad in bed. You think you’re drilling for oil with that thing and never do anything but focus on your own pleasure. Also, all that talk about how you’re so good at oral? Yeah, fat girls are experts at oral too – because no one wants to fuck them. It’s the side you accept because the stake was shit. It’s never the main course.

Your protection? BWHAAAHAHAHAHA. I watch nothing but true crime and in every episode, there’s always some week pansy boyfriend who lets his lady get raped and murdered to protect his own ass. You guys are bitches who dropped the ball on that one a long time ago. We get we’re on our own.  That’s why we got guns and krav maga. Feminism didn’t make you pussies. You chose that role because you got lazy. We got stronger and you chose to get weaker.

So really, I think the “Handmaid’s Tale” is far more likely to be the “Handman’s Tale”. It’s only a matter of time before we realize you guys are entirely useless except for baby making –and I don’t even need you to be in the same room as me for that.

I’m single for a reason — because I like being single

 

What’s so hard to understand about that?

I don’t date for the same reason I don’t play the violin. It seems like a lot of work for a payoff that I don’t find particularly appealing. Some people, they’re into the violin. They spend their entire life following that passion and when they die, they have no regrets. I respect that. I just don’t want it for myself.

Despite that, I have people trying to convince me on a regular basis that I need to ‘put myself out there’, even though I’ve repeatedly told them I’m not interested in dating. But they don’t listen, because apparently if I don’t get a boyfriend fast, the entire species as we know it will cease to be.

Look, relationships take work. I know that. I also know I don’t like work. To be entirely honest, my ideal day mirrors that of a 90-year-old widowed retiree with no sex drive. Wake up, eat breakfast, get wasted, drive golf cart drunk, buy some shit on the home shopping network, bitch about kids these days, Jeopardy, sleep.

That’s kind of what I hope heaven is like.

“Why are you still single” was flattering in my twenties, but sometime around thirty, it took on a decidedly accusatory air.  People start trying to figure out what is wrong with you. They accuse you of ‘having walls up’ or ‘fearing rejection’.

Just an FYI, I don’t have walls up. I’m not that deep. Everything I think in my head, I just say out loud. I’m about as complex as basic math. I am to dating what 2+2 is to Love’s Conjecture.

I don’t fear rejection. I’m a professional writer. I get rejected on the regular. Hell, I regularly reject myself when I look at some of the old stuff I wrote. Rejection is nothing more than the cost of doing business. I’m cool with it.

I just like my autonomy. When I get done with work for the day, I can lay back, get high and watch anime – and I don’t have to worry about someone calling me a nerd because I want to bang Zoro from One Piece.

Also, my mention of my love of One Piece is not a cue for a bunch of white knight dudes to come in and convince me we can do this together. I don’t need your neckbeard rubbing against me while I rub one out to Zoro. This is a solitary sport, much like golf. I like a cartoon. It’s not a lifestyle choice. It’s just a fucking cartoon.  My liking a cartoon you like does not make us soul mates.

I’m not alive to make babies. I’m not alive to find a soul mate. I’m alive because I like being alive. I’m not sad. I’m not lonely. I have family and friends that love me and they keep me pretty damn busy. I don’t disdain those in relationships. If you can find a partnership that fits you, that’s awesome. That’s something you wanted that you got and I ain’t mad at you for getting it.

But stop acting like there’s something wrong with me because I don’t want the same thing. I’m not closed off because of daddy issues. My dad’s a pretty cool dude who’s never been anything but nice to me.  I’m not gun shy because I’ve been hurt before. In my past relationships, I did most of the hurting because I didn’t know how to voice the fact that I didn’t want to be in a couple. I genuinely was the problem. Not saying that to be self-deprecating. Just being honest. I was the problem.

I know myself better now and I’m confident enough to just say no.

I’m self-aware. I have my faults but for the most part, I like myself the way I am and I like my life the way it is. Maybe, someday, down the road, I might wind up in a relationship. If that happens, it’s not going to be the result of you strong-arming me into dating your second cousin because you hate the fact that a vagina exists unattached. It will be for the same reason I’m still single now.

Because I want to be.

 

Desperately Seeking White Privilege

 

I’ve been seeking this ‘white privilege’ I’ve heard so much about. Apparently, it’s this amazing thing that gets me a high paying career and no debt, while I do nothing but lay on my ass and bitch about the ‘coloreds’.

I stopped looking when I realized this wasn’t 1861 Savannah and you don’t get to put your personal failings on me, nor do you get to undermine my accomplishments because you’re a failure.

No one let me into the Army because I was white. Trust that shit. They’ll take what they can get. I could have been a polka dot albino with dyslexia and still got in. No privilege there. It was more like desperation. You could have joined the Army too.

Didn’t make it into community college thanks to that ‘white privilege’ either. Again, not that selective. I managed to do both because they take the lowest common denominator. Poor people. So I did that same shit all the way through a Masters and guess what – No one knew what color I was when I graduated at the top of my class. You could have gone to community college too.

Can you believe it? I was the distinguished honor grad based on nothing more than my –fucking drive and ability. Also, during that time, I was never arrested. Not because I was white, but because I’ve never done a fucking illegal thing in my life ever. Super crazy. Turns out, most of the time, cops don’t arrest you when you’re not a criminal or don’t associate with them.You can not commit crimes or associate with those who commit crimes too.

I currently work as a freelance writer. None of my clients have ever asked about my race, or even know it, so no, they’re not hiring me because of that. They’re hiring me because of my ability. You could have that ability too.

You have had every single opportunity I have had. Color doesn’t matter. Everything I’ve done in my life, anyone could do. The fact that you chose not to doesn’t make me ‘white privileged.”

It makes you a lazy asshole.

Everything I’ve done in my god damn life, I’ve earned. I’ve never asked for help from anyone, be that a welfare check or public defender. I handled my own business, educated myself, worked my ass off and got to where I am from hard work. While doing that, I also managed to avoid committing crimes or fighting with a cop who was just trying to do his job.

I don’t call that white privilege. I call that being a civilized human being. If you’re not getting that, it’s not because you’re not a member of the white privileged class. It’s because you’re a member of another class.

The ‘I’m a minority, I don’t feel like doing everything you did, but  I deserve a handout for doing nothing” class.

For that, I say go fuck yourself.

 

 

 

It’s about time someone bombed Syria

 

I have to admit, I’m super smug right now. Why? Because after everyone bitched about Trump, he finally had the balls to do what everyone didn’t.

He bombed Syria. Directly. There was no sneaking around the back door, like in the Bush admin. There was no pussyfooting around, saying “can’t we settle this with hugs?” like with Obama. He just said., “I’m going to bomb Syria to send a message.”

Then, he did.

Look, I’m not all in on bombing innocent civilians. I’m seeing a lot of morons on Twitter saying – well dumb shit like this

Just an FYI, the only people destroying democracy are the people that murder innocent civilians, like the Syrian government. Syria is a democracy like my ass is a size four. It’s a nonsense lie told to people who don’t know better and believed by people who have a vested interest in maintaining the lie. Like the people who give Syria money and the dude that sells me size 4 Levis that are actually size ten Rockstar’s from Old Navy.

Trump didn’t bomb a bunch of innocent civilians. He made a specific, targeted strike designed to prove a point. The areas that were bombed were warned – well in advance. In plenty of time to fully evacuate the area if the Syrian government cared about their civilians. Any civilians that died during those bombings were a direct result of the Syrian government intentionally choosing to not evacuate their people.

We literally called Russia and said “hey, you know those extremists you’re supporting? Yeah, we’re going to bomb the shit out of them. Move your planes and maybe get the people the fuck out of there too.”

The bombing wasn’t designed to hurt anyone. It was there to send one simple message. “Enough is enough. Enough with your extremist nonsense. We’ve had enough of your behavior. You will stop or we will stop you.”

In every war, there are innocents. There are people who never had any politics, didn’t want to be political and suddenly were targeted because some other asshole wanted to make a point. That’s what happened with Al Assad, the douche who targeted his own people. He thought he was above it all, that he could kill his people to make a point and the rest of the world wouldn’t notice or care.

Then, one country did. America said, “oh, yeah, you want to drop gas bombs on civilians? Try doing that shit without an airstrip.”

Boom.

Look, I’m not looking forward to getting into a war with Russia. I know many Russians. They’re pretty fucking scary. but at some point, someone needs to take a stand and draw a hard line. Russia has been shielding the incredibly corrupt Syrian government for far too long. Someone needed to slap Putin’s hand and just say no.

Tonight, America did. And finally, it was done for a good fucking reason. Trump did what Bush was trying to accomplish in Iraq — without faking weapons of mass destruction. He actually found them and he fought back.  He said “no, Syria, you’re not allowed to hurt innocent people. Not as long as the rest of the world has the guts to stand up and say no.”

I don’t care why he did what he did. To me, it ain’t’ about the process. It’s about results.

I hope that if our government ever got as bad as Syria’s, some other country would have the same balls to do the same for America. Because evil wins when strong nations do nothing. And tonight, evil lost.

Suck it, Al Assad.

Yes, Tina Fey, I Voted for Trump

 

Earlier this evening, I saw Tina Fey had a message for me. Well, specifically, it was for white college educated women who voted for Trump. As I like Tina Fey, I was immediately concerned that I may have done something to offend her. Then, the bitch went and offended me.

“A lot of this election was turned by white, college-educated women who now would maybe like to forget about this election and go back to watching HGTV.”

Well, Sugar Tits, I don’t know what HGTV is, but I dig the way I’m only an adult, independent woman who’s capable of making her own decisions until I make a decision that doesn’t align with yours. The second I veer from your personal political platform, I’m suddenly an uninformed couch potato filled with morning after regret.

Tina Fey is right though. I specifically remember saying “Oh why oh why didn’t I listen to a Hollywood millionaire who could never identify with the problems I face being a single mom with $70k in student loan debt, who’s watching all  the work in my field get outsourced to India?”

In case you couldn’t tell, that was sarcasm.

Because I’m a white college educated woman, and I voted for Trump. I told everyone I didn’t vote at all. I did that because of people like Tina Fey. When you tell someone you voted for Trump, they feel the need to condescendingly re-educate you like they know more about your life and the problems you face than you do. They focus on social politics and never even consider the fiscal.

It’s kind of funny. Everyone acts like voting is the ultimate form of freedom — until you do it. Then, you vote for someone and they put you into a box because of it. Vote for the conservative, you’re a white privileged elitist. Vote for the liberal, you’re a bleeding-heart pussy. Vote for an independent, and you may as well have just stayed home.

Based on experience, I found only the last one is right. People love to vote independent. They feel like they’re taking a stand, like someone is actually looking at their dumb fucking vote and saying “Oh, wow, Joe Smith wrote in someone else. Guess we better revamp the entire election process.”

I voted for Obama in 08. My main reason? He’s black. Actually, that was my only reason. I had no idea about his politics, no idea where he stood on any issues. He was black and that was good enough for me. I was being socially responsible.

This time around, I was a bit older, a bit wiser and was kind of tired of getting fucked up the ass on taxes. I focused on fiscal politics. So while Hillary’s ideas on hiring teachers were super nice, it sure as shit wasn’t going to spur the economy. There’s no shortage of teachers. There’s a shortage of teachers who want to teach in places that are shitty.

So maybe let’s concentrate on making those places less shitty? How do we do that?

We improve the economy so we have more money to put into our infrastructure, so we stop having places that are shitty.

We do that by doing things like re-negotiating NAFTA so Mexico will stop sucking off our teets while providing nothing in return. I’m pretty sure America is responsible for half of Mexico’s GDP. I’m not going to Google that stat because I don’t feel like it and this isn’t C-SPAN.

It’s closer to Fox.

But the fact is, no country should ever be responsible for that much of another country’s economy. That’s the reason that I voted for Trump. He promised to renegotiate NAFTA. And then you know what happened?

He totally did. So no, no morning after regret for me.

Now Obama, that’s another matter. He was supposed to give me free health care. Not that I cared. I haven’t been to a doctor in ten years because the entire field is guesswork in a lab coat. I can do that at home. So prior to Obama, I was spending $0 per year on healthcare.

Now I’m spending $2000 a year to maintain a contract that is fifty-seven pages long and appears to have been written in Swahili. The closest I came to getting any medical treatment was the time I bought Band-Aids – to seal the holes in a bong I made from a bicycle pump.

But anyway, even though I voted for what I thought was more important – the economic sustainability of our country—I get called a racist or an idiot. I get called a racist or an idiot because I don’t think being able to choose between fourteen different options for gender and race is more important than this country’s ability to economically provide for itself. You know, so we don’t get bought out by China and have to become communists with no rights.

I used to be a liberal. In some ways, I still am. But this liberal shit has gone too far. I don’t give a fuck who you fuck, or marry for that matter. I’m not even a little religious and believe in the separation of church and state. I believe most drugs should be decriminalized and that abortion is a medical choice and not a political platform. But at the same time, I don’t think those issues should be the sole issues you consider when voting. You social issue people go way too far.

Because I also don’t believe your six-year-old is gay because your six-year-old is too young for a sexual identity. If they do have one, it’s probably because they’re getting molested and you should be a bit more concerned about that, rather than demanding the school district spend a shit ton of money to make finger painting more ‘gender neutral’.

While we’re at it, no, gender isn’t fluid. I’ve been watching my pussy for days and it hasn’t once turned into a cock. There are two options. Male or female. That’s it. If you don’t want to be the one you’re born with, then get the surgery to change it. But don’t expect the world to support you while you sit on the fence. I know we’re all into letting people make their own decisions, but I think this is one where we need to draw a damn line. I won’t judge your decision. Just make one.

Race isn’t fluid either. You can use all the sunless tanner you want, but at the end of the day, you’re still a white chick from Montana. At the same time, don’t get pissed when I call you Mexican and you’re from Cuba. I’m not a fucking geneticist. Let’s flip the script on that one. I’m white. Now tell me if that white is a result of Irish, French, English, German or Norwegian heritage. Oh you can’t?

Fucking racist.

We’re all a little bit racist. We’re all a little bit misogynistic and we tend to side with people who are like us. The fact that you voted for Hillary doesn’t change that. It doesn’t make you more socially responsible than me. It just means we have different priorities. Personally, I think social issues are squishy, but fiscal ones are objective. That’s why I vote fiscal. You probably never even considered the fact that my vote was entirely based on that. You were too busy making a full personal assessment of me based on one aspect of my life.

I think there’s a word for that, but again, this isn’t C-SPAN. Google it.